Why

the unhelpful question, and a more helpful one

I always want to know why. 

I’m not sure if I was born this way or I learned it by being part of an always-curious family, but no matter what is going on in life, I ask why. 

Why do my tomatoes have blossom rot? Why does my dog snatch used tissues and run under the bed to shred them? (Other dogs of ours have also done this.) Why do two of my chickens have bare spots and why do they peck each other? Why do so many people drive like idiots? Why can’t someone write a good book that’s not full of violence and smut and swearing? Why do so many people not know the difference between your and you’re? (Seriously, why is this so hard?)

So a while back when I described my most recent experience with intense panic at thirty thousand feet to my therapist, I asked her, “Why does this keep happening? Why is it getting worse? Why, after all the therapy and all the EMDR and cutting out caffeine and getting exercise and grounding and eating well and all the things I do to work toward healing and regulate my nervous system, why do I still have panic attacks and why does it seem like they are getting worse?”

She was quiet for a moment and then answered with a question (as therapists are wont to do): 

“What would be a good enough reason? Is there an answer that would be satisfying?”

Obviously no. But maybe.

If I knew why, if I understood the mechanism that makes it happen in the first place, wouldn’t that make it easier to accept? Kind of like, I ran 26 miles yesterday so today my knees hurt (this is not a true statement). That makes sense. Cause and effect. It’s a satisfying reason. At least it would be better than “I don’t know why I panic but I can’t ever fly again.”

Unfortunately, this is not the way it works. What might be a satisfactory reason for one person means nothing to another. You and I react differently to different stressors. You could have been in the car with me the day I got hit head-on and not been affected nearly like I am, or maybe much worse than I am. There is no predicting who will develop PTSD and anxiety and who will walk away from a terrible wreck unbothered.

This reminds me of Solomon saying, this is also vanity and vexation of spirit. Vanity, because no matter how badly I want to have a say in it, I don’t. Vexation, because it annoys me to no end that it is this way. It almost feels like being a victim. Helpless. And that’s uncomfortable for me.

So rather than just sit here wallowing in victimhood, what can I do?

It has taken me a few years to get here, but what I’ve learned is that I can ask a more helpful question, namely

How do I handle this now?

Why leaves us wallowing, helpless. How gives us options. It provides direction for moving forward, for getting out of our own way. It gives us something to do. Here are a few ways I have answered this better, more helpful question for myself.

I can ask God for help.

Maybe this seems obvious, but dig a little deeper with me.

For the first few years, I prayed the typical, magic-wand prayer: “God, please heal me. Take away this misery I am living through. Make me who I used to be.”

You know what that is? It’s a cop-out. It’s saying, “I don’t want to do any work or take any responsibility. I just want you to *poof* put me back in my comfort zone. It’s lazy. I’ve learned that if you are anywhere at all on the mental health spectrum (hint: that’s everybody), it behooves you to understand what motivates you to think and act the way you do, measure it against God’s word, and take action to become a healthier, more godly version of yourself. That takes work.

Imagine God, sitting up in heaven, thinking, “Man, I had great plans for her. Look at what she’s let herself become because of a car wreck. So sad.” when you had the opportunity to grow and become and bring him glory.

So ask him for help. He may not send the kind of help you anticipate, but if you keep your eyes open, you’ll see it when it comes. In the words of Anne Graham Lotz, “Don’t miss this.”

I can go to therapy.

Not because it gives me the answer to the why question, but because it gives me tools that help answer the how question. I can learn how to help regulate my nervous system, how to calm myself when I get activated, how to change my unhelpful thought patterns. I can also know I have support in my difficulties, and always an unbiased listening ear.

I can educate myself.

I am a constant reader. I have a list of books I want to read on topics like PTSD, anxiety, panic disorder, the gut microbiome/brain connection, and biblical lament. If you don’t have time to read, listen to audiobooks while you drive. Get recommendations from people you know who have walked the same road. Watch TED talks on YouTube. Some will be dumb but one may be a help. Listen to podcasts about the topic you struggle with. My mantra is “always be learning.”

I can live a purposeful life.

It took me a lot of years to understand that I don’t just have to let life run away with the cart I am on. I hold the reins. I drive the horse. Of course things will happen that I have no control over, but I always have the opportunity to respond to them the way I want to. I am learning to stop being a victim and start choosing my responses. It is freeing.

I can get moving.

In his book, The Anxiety Opportunity, Curtis Chang says, “. . . the people most vulnerable [to anxiety] tend to be those who live mostly in their heads. Anxiety feeds on our minds.”

Truer words were never spoken. I have always been a person who lives in her head. I have a constant, running commentary going in my mind every waking minute. There is literally never a moment when my brain is quiet. I only recently learned that not everyone is like this.

Chang goes on to say, “. . . one likely causal factor behind the long-term increase of anxiety in our society is the extent to which mental labor has replaced physical labor in the workforce.” A hundred years ago we were a society that did. Today we are a society that thinks. So what do we do about this?

Put down the phone (TV, internet, laptop) and move your body. I find the more I do this, the less anxious I feel, by far. Today I made peach jam and a cobbler. I did laundry and scrubbed both bathrooms. I watered the garden and picked tomatoes and green beans. I roasted the tomatoes, then canned tomato sauce. And made dinner. I have had zero anxiety. I’ve been perfectly happy, even when I realized I messed up the peach cobbler. (It was still delicious, amen.)

That’s more than I do on a lot of days, but my point is that getting out of my head and into my physical body is one of the best things I can do to alleviate anxiety.

I can study to be quiet.

This is actually a biblical direction. Here it is in 1 Thessalonians 4:11.

And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you.

Paul was writing to the church (the Christians) in Thessalonica, and he said in the previous verse that he was beseeching the brethren to do the following things: study to be quiet, do their own business, work with their own hands.

I can’t even tell you how many times in my life I’ve read that passage and never noticed the exhortation to study to be quiet. What does that even mean? Stop talking? Use your inside voice?

What I think it means is to stop living at such a frantic pace. Stop trying to cram more stress into the 24 hours you get every day. Slow down mentally. Take ten minutes to sit on the front porch and listen to the birds in the morning. Stop and take a picture of a bee on a zinnia.

Enjoy the soft fur of your little dog cuddled up next to you.

Being quiet is equal to being present.

One of my favorite tools to slow myself down is a grounding exercise, 5–4–3–2–1. You can do it right now, wherever you are. Begin by noticing five things you can see. Then notice four things you can hear. Then three things you can touch. Then two things you can smell. One you can taste. Don’t rush through this. Give each thing your full attention, one at a time. Then take a slow, deep breath and exhale all the way. Do you feel quieter? This is what it feels like to be truly present.

Once you quiet yourself, it is much easier to choose how you will respond to the stressors in life.

Let’s look at the phrases again:

study to be quiet: Slow down and become present to your body and your surroundings.

do your own business: Don’t worry about what other people are doing; keep your eyes on your own stuff. Take everything else to the Lord in prayer, and leave it with him.

work with your own hands: Do some physical work; cook, clean, plant some flowers, sweep the porch, go for a walk.

This is one of the best verses for combating anxiety. Take your eyes off the chaos and focus on quieting yourself. It is not selfish. It is following God’s encouragement to be a healthier person.

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Do you struggle with anxiety and panic? I encourage you to stop asking why and start asking how. How can I get help from God? How can I help myself? How can I make my situation better? And then practice.