Who are you?

when God goes silent

I’ve been through a lot in the last less-than-a year. I’ve lost both of my parents, spent many hours on the road traveling between my house and theirs, helped empty their home and get it ready to sell, and made weighty decisions no one ever wants to face, not to mention keeping my own physical, mental, and emotional self together.

When Mommy passed in mid-October, it all came screeching to a halt and I was left with a feeling of “what now?” (I even wrote about it here.) I would sit in my reading chair in the bedroom and stare at the cedar chest Daddy made, the painting of Allaire Church in the winter that hung in their living room, the down comforter made by my great aunt with feathers she plucked from geese my great uncle shot. It was like all at once my forebears were gone and there was no one behind me.

Even today I find myself sitting next to the wood stove looking at all the parts of my parents now in my living room: Mommy’s piano, the beautiful Persian rug, the cattle horns they picked up in south Texas. There is a large photo of my grandparents’ farm probably taken in the 1950s. In the picture, my grandmother is standing in what she called “the clothes yard,” where my grandfather had sunk three tall metal poles and strung clothesline in a triangular shape that covered the whole yard next to the house. The car in the teardrop-shaped gravel driveway hints at the decade.

I think in life it’s a good thing to be introspective now and then, to sit and enjoy memories. It helps us keep one foot in the past while we daily deal with the present. It encourages us to remember where we came from, and I am thankful for my family heritage.

But being forced to spend an entire year immersed in memories and nostalgia, even when they are mostly good, is mentally and emotionally exhausting, and that’s where I found myself right after Mommy passed. I’d been reading through the prophets in the Bible, and if you’re anything like me, you know that’s not an easy read on a good day. Add all I’d been through, and it was a struggle for sure.

So I powered my way through the last few books of the Old Testament, at the end of which I have written, “God is silent for the next 400 years.”

Silent.

Not a word. Not a revelation. No prophets. Not a rebuke nor a shred of encouragement. It was like he disappeared.

Can you imagine? God’s people, who were accustomed to having a steady dialogue with him, even when a lot of it was unpleasant, suddenly heard nothing. He went radio silent and Israel was on her own.

I’m not sure why, but I could relate to that feeling. I knew God had been near and intimately involved in all I’d been through the previous ten months, but all at once I felt like I was surrounded by a wall that no one could get through, not even him. I was alone inside my own little cave and didn’t know which way was up. The silence was loud.

From the outside I probably looked like I wasn’t grieving, taking it all in stride, just another day. On the inside I felt like I couldn’t get out, like I was confined with my own thoughts and needing to feel God’s presence but too numb to pick up the sensation. It felt hard to breathe.

So I did the only thing I could think of to do: I turned to Psalm 1 and said, “Lord, show me who you are,” and started reading. Here is what I learned.

In Psalm 1:6 he knows my way
3:3 he is a shield for me, the lifter up of my head
3:4 he hears me
3:5 he sustains me
3:8 his blessing is on me
4:1 when I am in distress he enlarges me (releases me from confinement)
4:3 he hears when I call
4:7 he puts gladness in my heart
4:8 he makes me dwell in safety
6:9 he receives my prayer
9:9 he is a refuge in times of trouble
9:10 he does not forsake those who seek him
9:12 he does not forget the cry of the humble
10:14 he is the helper of the fatherless
11:4 he sees me
16:2–3 his goodness extends to me
16:5 he is my portion; he holds my future
16:7 he gives me counsel
16:8 he is at my right hand
16:11 he shows me the path of life
17:3 he tries my heart to see what’s there
17:6 he hears me
18:1 he is my strength
18:2 he is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my God, my strength, my buckler (shield), the horn of my salvation (what I hold on to), my high tower
18:6 he hears me
18:16 he pulls me out of the flood
18:18 he is my stay
18:19 he delivers me because he delights in me
18:28 he lightens my darkness
18:32 he clothes me with strength and makes my way perfect
18:39 he gives me strength for the battle
22:10 he is my God from the womb
23:1 he is my shepherd
23:2 he provides for my physical needs
23:3 he restores my soul, he leads me to righteousness
23:4 he is with me wherever I go, his correction and guidance comfort me
23:5 his preparation goes before me
23:6 his goodness and mercy come behind me, I will dwell in his presence always
25:8 he is good and upright
25:10 all his paths are mercy and truth
25:15 he pulls my feet out of the snare
27:1 he is my light and my salvation, he is my strength
27:5 in time of trouble, he hides me, he sets me up upon a rock
28:7 he is my strength and my shield, he helps me
29:11 he gives me strength, he blesses me with peace
30:1 he does not let my foes rejoice over me
30:2 he heals me
30:3 he keeps me alive
30:5 his anger is short
30:7 he makes me stand strong
30:11 he turns my mourning into dancing and clothes me with gladness
31:3 he is my rock and my fortress
31:4 he is my strength
31:5 he has redeemed me—bought me back for himself
31:7 he knows my trouble and knows when my soul is in adversity
31:15 my times are in his hand
31:23 he preserves the faithful and plentifully rewards the proud doer
32:7 he is my hiding place, he surrounds me with songs of deliverance
32:10 when I trust him, his mercy surrounds me
34:18 he is near to me when my heart is broken
35:3 he is my salvation

(I am skipping a lot of repeats)

40:1 “he inclined unto me”—he leans toward me to hear better
“and heard my cry”—he is a willing listener, he wants to hear
40:2 he pulled my feet out of a horrible pit and set my feet on a rock
40:5 he has more thoughts toward me than can be numbered
40:17 “I am poor and needy, yet the Lord thinketh upon me . . .”
42:8 I have his lovingkindness with me in the day, and in the night his song is with me
42:11 he is the health of my countenance
45:7 he loves righteousness
46:1 he is a very present help in trouble
46:7 he is with me, he is my refuge
47:7 he is the King of all the earth
48:1 he is great
48:3 he is a refuge
48:10 his right hand is full of righteousness
48:14 he is my guide
50:15 when I call on him in the day of trouble, he will deliver me

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Friend, this is only a third of the way through the Psalms. I’ve made it to 107 and I have nine pages of notes. And there are 65 more books in the Bible that describe his character.

God makes it clear who he is. He even repeats himself so we remember.

God does not expect us to skip past grief because we are Christians. Instead, he leans in, he listens to us, he holds us up, lifts our head, surrounds us before and behind.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for thou art with me . . .

He is with me.