Watch with me

the example of an empathetic witness

Those of us who read the Bible do so through our own lenses, even when we try not to. There is no such thing as being perfectly objective. We all see with eyes colored by our experience. There’s nothing wrong with that; it’s just the way it is.

One of the ongoing conversations in our home when we had a house full of teenagers revolved around this question: Does God lean more toward justice or more toward mercy?

The answer is probably a mix, since it’s safe to say he is perfectly balanced and knows what is best in every situation. But sometimes it appears to us that he is heavy on the justice:

Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord (Romans 12:19)

and sometimes it appears his mercy far outweighs justice:

Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. (Luke 6:36)

But almost always in this conversation, you could look at the natural tendencies of each of us and see which way we leaned: Ben toward justice, me toward mercy. The kids had their own bents as well, hence the ongoing discussion.

All that to say I am more aware as the years go by that I see things in the Scriptures because of my own experience, particularly through the lens of someone who is learning a lot about trauma and its effects and how we humans deal with it, or don’t. My recent reading in Matthew 26 was a good example.

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After their last Passover meal together, Jesus took his disciples to Gethsemane, a garden at the foot of the Mount of Olives, where he told them to sit and wait. 

Then he took Peter, James, and John, his inner circle, with him and went off to pray. 

The Bible says he “began to be sorrowful and very heavy.” He knew what was coming. 

Then Jesus, King of the universe, God with us but also 100% human, said this to the three:

My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.

The most traumatic event in the history of time was about to take place and Jesus knew it was coming. He knew how awful it would be. He knew the suffering he would endure. The anticipation of it made it even worse.

And in that moment, he admitted his deepest emotion to his three closest friends. He did not keep it inside and try to look tough. He did not pretend he wasn’t affected by what he knew was coming. He told them he was “exceeding sorrowful.”

Then, in addition to this most humble admission, he asked for help. He asked them to “tarry ye here, and watch with me.” He did not ask for words of wisdom or encouragement or for them to commentate on what was about to happen. He said, Stay with me, stay awake with me, be with me, keep me company, don’t leave me alone in my exceeding sorrow.

In his God-ness, Jesus was capable of handling it all on his own. In his humanness he needed the empathetic presence of his friends. 

Part of the definition of trauma is an overwhelming event that is “too much” for the nervous system to handle, and there is no empathetic witness. There is no moral support. You feel alone in the too much-ness. Jesus was requesting the help he knew he needed.

What an amazing example. There is no shame in asking for help. There is nothing wrong with needing empathy in a difficult time. It’s perfectly normal to want the emotional support of a friend’s presence. God made us with these needs. And because he was every bit as human as we are, Jesus had those needs too. 

Maybe you are the one who needs the caring presence of a friend or loved one right now. Please ask for whatever help you need. Often those who are closest to you want to help but don’t know exactly what to do, what to offer. If you can put your needs into words, it helps us help you.

Maybe you are the friend of someone who has experienced trauma, or maybe you are unaware of your friend’s history. Either way, when you see they are hurting, offer compassion, a listening ear, a shoulder to bear a burden. Everyone is carrying something and you likely don’t know what it is. So offer your with-ness.

After Job’s horrific losses, his friends showed up and for the first seven days they were silent. They offered no advice, no words, no encouragement. They didn’t try to cheer him up or get him to look on the bright side. They just sat there WITH him. If the story had ended there, we would think so highly of those three, wouldn’t we? It was when they opened their mouths to speak that everything went downhill. Job just needed their presence, their empathetic witness.

Next time a friend is struggling, instead of offering words, give your silent presence. Jesus knew that would be most helpful.