Thoughts vs feelings

Yesterday I watched ten minutes of a TV show. In it, a young woman had lost her husband. She was left with a three-year-old daughter. Her father was a gruff, get-it-done type who, after a year of watching her grieve, thought it was time to "move on" and told her so. The young woman kept insisting, "I'm not ready."

Maybe it's because I'm an #enneagram9, but I could see both of their sides. I could understand the father's concern and his desire for his daughter to be happy again. But I could also understand the woman's holding on to the sweetest happiness she'd ever known and not wanting to let that go.

But here's the thing: you can't tell someone how to feel. Feelings are not choices, they are results. Feelings are not good or bad in themselves. They are indicators, little flags that give us information. I don't wake up in the morning and decide to be sad that day, or angry or jealous or afraid. Feelings always start with a thought. Feelings are a call to look deeper—to ask "What is at the root of this feeling? Why am I feeling this way?"

You might remember my road trip of last week and all the frustration I let build up over a long day of driving. The frustration was just a feeling. The root of it was that I wasn't getting what I wanted. There was way more traffic than I was comfortable with. I couldn't see the signs. There was no decaf coffee. People kept calling me "hon." I was sick of sitting in the car. See how all those things were selfish? My life that day was not what I wanted, and my thoughts were all about my own comfort and preferences.

My frustration (a feeling) was a signal that was begging me to examine my thoughts—which were that there was more traffic than I wanted, the signs were too small, no one had my preferred beverage, I was being called something I don't like, and I was bored. My selfish thoughts brought about my feelings. The thoughts I was dwelling on led to the way I felt. And that's always the way it is.

Did you know God doesn’t tell us how to feel? He created our feelings and emotions, and they mirror his—you know, that whole "made in his image" thing—but he doesn't give us instruction about them other than "be ye angry and sin not." That doesn't mean don't be angry; it means if/when you are angry, don't sin. He knows we are going to be angry (as he sometimes is), and there's a time and place for it.

One day in the early 1990s, I took my little son into the barber shop on the naval base for a haircut. Because I am naïve, I was not aware that some places on the base kept a stash of porn magazines for customer use, the barber shop being one of them. There was a little shelf way up high where they were kept, so the men waiting could just grab one and enjoy a little perversion while waiting for a haircut.

So there I sat with my five-year-old son when I looked across the room and saw the cover of a magazine one sailor was looking at. I blew a gasket all the way to the commanding officer of the base and the filthy magazines magically went away for good. That was a time for anger and there was no sin involved on my part. God equipped me, a mother of a little boy, with the ability to get angry to effect change that would protect my son.

But the anger had a thought at its root: pornography in the presence of children is inappropriate. That was the thought that gave birth to the feeling of anger. (We could have a discussion about pornography ALWAYS being inappropriate, but that's not what we're talking about today.)

So every feeling has a thought behind it. If I am sad, I can ask myself, "Why am I feeling sad?" and I can figure out what is making me feel sad. If I am happy, I can ask, "Why am I feeling happy today?" and if the answer is that I am thinking about visiting my grandchildren next week, then that's the thought that is producing the feeling.

If I feel overwhelmed, I should ask myself, "Why am I feeling overwhelmed?" and then pause to wait for the answer. Is it because I am trying to work a full-time job and keep the house clean and cook nutritious meals and get the children to their extracurricular activities on time and volunteer on the baby shower committee at church? That would make me feel overwhelmed! Don't just be overwhelmed. Figure out what is behind the feeling.

If you are experiencing a feeling that is not a positive one, start asking yourself questions. When you understand the thought that's behind it, you can start making changes, either by changing your thoughts or changing your circumstances. In the last example, you could either start saying no to some things so you have less to do, or you could ask for help. Either way you will have fewer things on your plate and you will feel less overwhelmed. See how the thought must change before the feeling can change?

God even lays it out for us in Philippians 4:

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

You have a lot of control over what you think. God tells you what to think about. But if your circumstances are so dire that you can't change what you are thinking about, that's when you need help. If you have experienced trauma, abuse, the loss of a close loved one, or any other event that feels like it is just too much to handle, find a qualified professional to help you sort out your thoughts. But know this: your feelings are not the problem—your thoughts are at the root.

I know many Christians bash psychology and psychotherapy, but I wonder, if those Christians had cancer, would they seek out the best-trained, most knowledgeable oncologist for their particular type of cancer? I'm sure they would. Why, then, do we scoff at the best-trained, most knowledgeable therapists to help us heal from our specific mental anguish? And who are we to judge what is trauma to another person? People are in head-on car accidents all the time and never struggle mentally afterward. That was not the case for me, and I needed help working through it.

So, like the person with cancer needs a specialized oncologist, the person with trauma needs a licensed marriage and family therapist. You should see the letters LMFT after the professional's name. This means they have been specially educated and trained in how to help your brain heal from the effects of trauma. If you are a Christian, it will help immensely if you find an LMFT who is also a Christian. My therapist is, and she is able to use all of her knowledge and training, but also include the fact that I don't want to do anything in life that is contrary to the Lord and his word. This is the best combination of all the available helps. I don't want psychology without God.

Maybe you've been through a difficult situation that feels like it's too much. Seek help. There is so much available!

If you are a Christian, someone might recommend biblical counseling. But you need to know that there is a difference between biblical counseling and psychotherapy. Biblical counseling shows you what God's word says, and while that is good and necessary, psychotherapists are specially trained in how the brain works and how to help you heal mentally and emotionally. My own pastor has said before that he is a biblical counselor but he is not a mental health professional. There is a difference.

God created your brain and he has given therapists knowledge in how to treat trauma just like he's given oncologists knowledge in how to treat cancer. Mental health is no different from physical health, and there is no shame in seeking out either one.