The myth of the good wife

speaking to the ladies

The older I get, the more I think the “good wife” is a myth. 

How many books have you read on the topic of marriage and being a good wife? For me, it’s a lot. I spent so many years striving to reach that ideal but having no understanding of what exactly it was. Aiming at an ever-moving target. Talk about an effort in futility.

Here’s what I think: When we constantly try to follow all the wife advice, we are striving to be something we are not and something someone else’s husband prefers. 

I could write a book about what my husband thinks is the ideal wife, and if you became it, your husband would be miserable. One size does not fit all.

I can hear some of you saying, “But God says (. . .) about being a wife.” Yes, he does. Let’s look at the commands God gives to wives.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. (Eph. 5:22)

and

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. (Col. 3:18)

Clearly, God wants a wife to submit herself to her own husband. It’s not a suggestion; it’s a command in both verses. But notice who does the submitting: the wife. God doesn’t make her submit herself and neither does her husband. She is the one in control of whether she submits herself or not. What she does with herself is 100% her choice. She is completely self-governing. She is not being forced against her will or backed into a corner. She can do it or not. She is not placed in a subservient position or a lesser role. She is in charge of her submission. It’s between her and God, not the husband.

But also notice that the verses do not end with the command for wives to submit themselves to their husbands. There are qualifiers: “as unto the Lord” and “as it is fit in the Lord.” In other words, the wife should submit herself to her own husband JUST LIKE she submits herself to the Lord. When the Lord tells a wife to do something, he does it out of love and concern for her wellbeing, and she submits herself to him, knowing he has her best interest at heart. She submits herself because she trusts in his good will toward her.

“ . . . [A]s it is fit in the Lord” has the idea of being suitable. So, as it would be suitable to submit yourself to the Lord, submit yourself to your husband in the same way. The Lord would never tell you to do something ungodly, so submitting yourself to him really doesn’t take any thought. It should be the same with your husband.

What this does not say is that you have to do every thing your husband wants you to do. In other words, if he tells you to help him rob a bank, you don’t have to submit yourself to that; it wouldn’t be “fit in the Lord.” That’s a silly example, but you would be amazed at the ungodly things some men demand of their wives in the name of submission. The husband does not get to define the terms of the wife’s submission. God has already done that.

Then there’s this verse that talks about how wives should conduct themselves:

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; (1 Peter 3:1)

There is a specific purpose here: that the Christian wife who is married to an unbelieving husband will show by her actions—including her voluntary submission to him and to God—the gospel being lived out in front of him, and thereby he may be won to Christ.

And this one: not a command, but a statement of history:

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. (Gen. 2:18)

This is God telling us his thought process in creating a woman for Adam. He did it because he saw that it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. I don’t know if this was based on pure loneliness, or if there were other reasons too—God doesn’t give us that information.

But here’s what I will say for the millionth time: read what is written, not what you think is written and not what you’ve been taught. Read the words individually out loud. God says, “I will make him an help meet for him.”

Help. Meet. Two separate words. If you read that sentence correctly, what it says is that God will make for Adam a help that is meet for him. So Eve was made a help. That’s what she was designed for—to be a help.

“Meet for him” is a phrase that tells what kind of help. If you’re a grammar geek like me, it is an adjectival phrase; it describes the noun help. In this sentence, meet means specially suited for, designed to fit perfectly. Eve was created to be a help that was specifically designed to help Adam in the ways he needed help. This is all still true today.

My husband doesn’t need me to plug a flat tire. He’s got that all figured out and is perfectly capable of doing it himself. But back when we were a young family with no money and being the very frugal man he was, he would probably keep plugging an old, worn-out tire when it really was not safe to do it anymore. That’s where I came in. I see a different perspective than he sees, so I would jump in and say, “You know, those tires have 800 million miles on them and they’re dry-rotted with steel belts showing. We should really buy new tires rather than take the chance of wrecking the whole car to save a few hundred dollars. Firestone is having a 90-days-same-as-cash sale right now, and we could pay them off without interest in three months.”

That’s how I help him. I show him a different perspective. I share my own expertise and opinion with him. He’s already the expert on plugging tires, but maybe I’m the expert on safety and finances, so I share what I know and what I think.

Here’s what I want you to know that it took me at least 35 years of wife-ing to figure out: being a good wife does not mean always agreeing with him. If you disagree, tell him so and tell him why. He needs to hear your thoughts on the matter. God made you a help for your husband because he needs help.

Being a good wife does not mean following blindly when you think something is a bad idea. Certainly there is always room for discussion, and you may come to realize that the disagreement is just a matter of opinions. In that case, ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” If no one will die and his idea is not ungodly, go ahead and get cows. You might find you like parts of it even when the bull breaks into the heifer pen in April and you have calves in the coldest part of January. But don’t NOT speak your mind.

And being a good wife definitely does not include doing something ungodly just because he tells you to do it.

Let’s move on.

Proverbs 31 says of the virtuous woman:

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. (Prov. 31:12)

Wife, you should be doing your husband good every day. Your intentions toward him should be good. You should be living full of grace and mercy toward him. You should be seeking the best for him, safeguarding his welfare with an attitude of good will.

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. (Prov. 31:26)

You should be speaking wisely and with utmost kindness to and about him. Your thoughts toward him should be full of goodness. You should be doing all of this while you are being honest and speaking the truth in love.

Listen, your husband is not a mind-reader. He is also not good at taking hints. If you want something, ask for it. If you have a need, explain it to him in specific terms. If you disagree with something he is doing, lay it out for him and then be willing to hear his side. Have a discussion, actively listening to each other. God did not create you with opinions and a voice and expect you to not use them.

Finally, don’t believe for one minute your husband does not want you to be emotional. If he had wanted a partner with no emotion, he would have gotten a puppy. Many husbands, because of the toxic-masculinity culture we live in, struggle to express their own feelings, which we know they have because they are made in God’s image and that includes his holy emotions. Our emotions transform a gray world into one that’s full of color and deep and beautiful. Our husbands need that.

How to be a good wife? Become a student of the man you married. Figure out what it is he needs help with, and learn to be that help. My husband needed help yesterday catching a newborn calf in the wrong pasture when it was 18 degrees with howling wind and carrying her back to her mama. Your husband may not need that—I hope for your sake he doesn’t. A fifty-pound calf weighs a ton.

But stop looking for a formula. There isn’t one.

Your husband married you because you are YOU, not because you fit a mold or follow a pattern you read in some book. Be the person God created you to be, and do it with loving good will toward your husband. That’s a good wife.