The enneagram

If you've been here even a short time, you know I am very open about the fact that I've been to therapy. I'm taking a break from it right now, but next month will be my two-year anniversary with Ellie.

(On a side note, I've always found it sweet that my therapist has the same name as one of my granddaughters. It's like a little God-wink.)

It would be an understatement to say I've learned a few things about myself in the therapy process, and this has been boosted by my study of the enneagram. If you don't know what that is, I'll be more than happy (giddy, really) to introduce you to it! It's basically a personality typing system that has nine main types, numbered (not surprisingly) 1 through 9. It's easy to remember which number you are when you can only be one.

I haven't ever been a big fan of these personality things, mostly because they've never really done anything for me. I took the Myers-Briggs test years ago and it told me the four letters I supposedly am: ISFJ. Basically that means I am an antisocial enabling doormat. Can't say no to anyone? Check. Feel the need to keep the peace at any cost? Check. Prefer a book to a great party? Check. Insecure about my own worth? Guilty. Go take it and you, too, can learn how hosed up you are. It's decidedly unhelpful.

There's the four-color system: Reds are all about achievement and making money. Blues just want to have fun. (Did you sing that?) Yellows want to help people, and greens want to know information, as in, give me all the details.

I am definitely green, with maybe a little yellow thrown in.

Great. How does that help me? Clue: it doesn't.

Then someone recommended I read The Road Back to You (by Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile) and since I love to read and Amazon delivers in 2 days (well, they used to), I ordered it.

I read the first chapters that explain the origin of the system and give a brief overview of what it's good for and how to use the information, then dove into the types. For reasons they explain that I don't remember, they don't write about the types in order from 1 to 9. They start with 8 and 9, then go back to 1 and so on. So the type 8 was the first one I read about.

Imagine my surprise when I found my very own husband right there in the chapter on 8s! The accuracy with which this book describes his personality is stunning, and I kept reading parts of it to him and asking incredulously, "Is this really how you think?" to which he would reply, "Why, yes. Yes, that hits the nail right on the head. That is exactly true of me." Read the book and if you know Ben, you will laugh and nod right along with me.

Then I read about the type 9 and boy oh boy did it smack me right between the eyes. I am 100% a 9 through and through. Peacemaker. Easy-going. Gets along with everyone. Sees all the points of view. Likes her routine. (I'm such a nice person!) But then . . . conflict avoider. People pleaser. Low self-esteem. Feel like I don't matter. Think my voice should remain silent.

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

What good is it to know these things about myself? That's the beautiful difference between this typing system and all the rest. The other systems show you what you ARE; they show you the box you are IN and there you are stuck.

Since the enneagram is based on your motivations rather than your actions, it cuts to the chase. It shows you WHY you do what you do. It enables you to see your default settings and consciously choose the path of personal growth to change the unhealthy ones. The enneagram shows you how to get OUT of the box you are in.

Here's a for-instance: Since I was a child, I've felt like my voice doesn't matter. I need to keep quiet, I have nothing to add to the conversation, I am better off standing off to the side or behind the curtain and keeping myself hidden. (We won't get into WHY I've felt like that, but this is how I've always been.)

When I was a teen, my high school held an event every year called Miss Point High. Seven senior girls were chosen to participate and it was a big annual deal, basically not much more than a popularity contest. Honestly I was stunned that I was asked to participate, but it was a very small high school—at least that's what I told myself—and they had to pick somebody. Each girl was escorted to the stage in a beautiful gown, maybe questions were asked (I'm a little foggy on details here), and praise the Lord there was no swimsuit competition—maybe because we grew up in a beach town and we'd all been in bathing suits on the beach together since we were babies. There was nothing new to see. Then each girl had to showcase a talent.

I wish I knew how much money my mother spent over the years on piano lessons for me, but I started at age 6 and finally was allowed to quit at age 16, so I'm thinking it was a lot. That's ten years of classical piano training. I had an actual talent.

But do you know what I did? I played a duet with a friend who was a great guitarist (thanks, Tom). He played the lead part and I played the accompaniment. Why? So I could hide, be in the background, unseen, unnoticed, because that's where I was comfortable. There would be no getting out of the comfort zone, even if I was capable of playing Beethoven or Mozart or Clementi.

I thought this was normal because I didn't know there was any other way to be.

UNTIL I learned about the enneagram and began to see that my default modus operandi of hiding in the background meant that I was hiding talents the Lord had given me. It was also detrimental to my relationships, in which I would go along with anything at any time just to keep the peace. I would never think of saying no or telling you where I really wanted to eat. I've learned (and am still learning) that I have opinions that matter and I need to share them because I MATTER. What I think matters. My voice matters. My presence in the world matters. Thank you, therapy.

You would think I would have this all figured out by my age, but I'm betting there are a lot of you out there who every so often wonder why you do things the way you do. It's never too late to ask those questions!

I could go on and on about this topic (and sometimes I do) (Ben is agreeing) but may I just please encourage you to get the book The Road Back to You and start a journey of self-discovery? You will learn why you do what you do and think the way you think, and it will help you spot your weaknesses and become a healthier version of who God made you to be. It will help you understand what motivates the people closest to you so you can love them better.

If you can't wait the two or four or ten days for Amazon to get the book to your house, you can read the basics about each of the nine types here, and you can take a free assessment here. Be aware that the assessments are not always perfectly accurate. It's really better to read about the types and see which one resonates with you. One of them will.

Then tell me what you learn! I love to hear other people's stories!