State of the house

It seems like it’s time for our monthly state of the house address, and this is a great day to write it because we have officially passed the dreaded blower door test (!!!) and this gives us more relief than a whole package of Rolaids.

We only found out about the blower test a month ago—that’s a year and a half into building. Basically, they put a giant fan in one exterior door and try to suck all the air out of your house. They want it to be airtight so the heating and cooling are more energy-efficient, which is really none of their dadgum business, but this is the new code. I feel like my utility bills are my own problem and also airtight houses grow mold.

Here is what’s finished:

Electrical: All the lights work. All the outlets work. All the switches, including the ones where wallboard has been cut and patched and cut and patched and cut, work. Mostly the holes have been sort-of patched but at this point we are sick of patching and the whole house is going to need painting again anyway, so . . . This is one of the many things that has been relegated to the list of “we don’t need that to get a certificate of occupancy so it can wait.”

Plumbing: All sinks have drains and water supply. Last time I was at the house nothing was leaking. We have repented many times over the deep sink in the laundry room, but the dishwasher and garbage disposal are functioning. Both showers work and let me offer this advice: buy fixtures before you start building so you don’t wind up with a Delta diverter and a Moen fixture. I have spent at least $50,000 dollars at Lowe’s and returned half of it, sometimes re-buying things and then returning them a second time. The folks at three different Lowe’s know me by name and they hide when they see me coming. I am the crazy woman who cries in the electrical aisle. Also, our bank’s computer system is smoking trying to keep up with our credit cards.

We made the (they tell me) smart decision to use Pex for the plumbing and if it holds together as well as this little clamp it took us an hour to remove, it will last well beyond Jesus’ millennial reign. The stuff is indestructible. If we get raptured, whoever takes over our house will never have a leak.

Also, hire a general contractor to build your house for you because you don’t know what you don’t know. On the plus side, we are learning a lot of things. On the minus side, we will never need this newly acquired information because have I mentioned we are never doing this again?

The well water has been tested and is negative for coliform bacteria. I don’t care what else is in there as long as I don’t get E-coli.

Front and back porches are built and have rails, and stairs have been built—thank you, Pat and Jude and Elijah. They all have perfectly spaced pickets which, according to Elijah, are not to be confused with spindles.

Also, the beautiful 2x6 rails do not pass code. There must be a handrail on one side of every set of stairs, and the handrail can be no more than 2 inches wide so it can be firmly held by an average adult hand. And it must bear 200 pounds. Anyone weighing more than that, and children, you’re on your own.

A/C is hooked up and works perfectly. It is S I L E N T, which we have never in 39 years of marriage experienced. We feel sure that 75% of our hearing loss is because of the noisy A/C systems in every house we have ever lived in. Sunday we turned the air on for the first time and had to put our faces on a vent to make sure it was actually running. It is so worth the many thousands of dollars it cost.

Carpet is installed. Yes, I know this should not have been done until after the wood floors were sanded and finished, but we are taking what we can get at this point.

Since I noticed some mouse droppings in the garage and on the basement stairs, I set a few mousetraps the other day. I am a champion mouse-catcher and proud of it. (I once caught a mouse in my desk drawer at work. My coworkers were horrified.) I have caught four so far and won’t stop until the traps are empty for two weeks.

Here is the key, in case you ever want to be known as a mouse killer: Use a snap-type trap. Wedge a little piece of sharp cheddar cheese under the little doo-dad, then cover with a smear of peanut butter. Place the trap perpendicular to the wall with the food end nearest the wall. Mice run along walls, and when they come to the trap, they will stop and smell the enticing aroma wafting toward them. They will tentatively start licking the peanut butter, then when they are completely intoxicated by all the deliciousness, they will become greedy and start working the cheese and *SNAP* bye-bye mousey. As inhumane as it may sound, it’s better than being caught by a cat and played with while hanging on to life by a thread. The snap is quick and they never know what hit them.

In related news, we met our friendly neighborhood black snake, Chuck. Chuck is about six feet long and Ben almost stepped on him coming off the front steps the other day. He (Ben) still moves pretty well for an old guy and he didn’t even hurt himself. Chuck patrols the property looking for mice. My hope is that if I eradicate his food supply, he will move elsewhere.

What’s not finished:

Wood floors need to be sanded and get three coats of polyurethane—satin finish. Someone has been hired to do this and will hopefully get to it soon.

Concrete needs to be poured outside the garage.

Shelving needs to be installed in the pantry and three closets.

Window screens need to be found and installed. I’m told they are in the loft in the barn, which is wasp heaven, so I will not be doing the finding part of this job.

The exterior needs to be painted.

One shower plus mudroom and laundry room need to be grouted.

Two cabinets need to be installed in the laundry room.

Clawfoot tub needs to be hooked up in master bath. But again, this does not need to be done before we get a CO, so it’s not on the short list.

Everything needs to be cleaned and this is more than overwhelming. The amount of wood dust and red clay dirt is astounding. I am hoping the blower door test sucked some of it out for me.

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While all this is going on, we have just purchased next winter’s 120 rolls of hay so Ben is hauling it an hour home, seventeen rolls at a time.

The bull, who has been named Alfred because he is small and red and refuses to be controlled—a bovine enneagram 8—has once again escaped his lush five acres by plowing through a 6,000-volt fence and was found (as he always is) at the house site across the street. I don’t know if he’s just trying to see the progress or what, but that’s the first place he goes when he escapes. It’s not like there’s any grass over there—it’s three acres of red dirt.

Lucky for us, Alfred loves grain and will follow a bucket anywhere, so he is easy to lead into a different pen. He is currently in the working pen, where we were going to put the herd yesterday for sorting so we can sell a few heifers and steers. The entire farm operation is temporarily on hold until we figure out how to contain this obstinate animal.

While that was going on, Ben moved the herd to the other end of the farm to begin the grazing rotation over, and two calves and a heifer decided they didn’t want to follow. There’s always at least one. Unfortunately for them, the calves are both still nursing, so they were without their mamas for part of a day. The mamas didn’t seem to mind and probably enjoyed the break until late afternoon when they were reaching udder capacity and started bawling for their babies. That helped the calves and rogue heifer make their way to where the rest of the herd was, with a little encouragement from the tractor and two hot wires. It’s like playing Tetris on 20 acres with 26 cows. At least we get our steps in.

When John Denver sang “Well, life on the farm is kinda laid back . . .” he was lying through his teeth.

Ben and I decided today that when we finally get to move into this house, it won’t be a joy-filled day. It will be sheer relief and we are going to throw boxes everywhere and sleep for a week.