Safe

It’s no secret that I struggle with the issue of safety. I’ve been through some things in life that keep me feeling like danger is right there all the time, just waiting to jump out and ruin me again. Maybe you feel this too. It's just one of the aftereffects of trauma. I’ve wrestled with it for years, sometimes failing and sometimes thinking I have it figured out. But I’m always looking for reassurance—from Ben, from friends, from the Lord. On the days when I feel like I’m losing the battle, I ask God the same old question: Where were you when . . . ?

Friend, I’ll keep saying this because it's so important for us to understand: God is not afraid of your hard questions. Go read the Psalms and see how David demanded to know why his enemies were beating him and where the Lord was while it was happening. That’s true lament, and God welcomes it. He gave us emotions and he encourages us to express them. Keeping them bottled up only leads to bitterness (and poor physical health, but that's another topic for another day). Then when you ask your hard question, be prepared for the answer: He knows more than you do. He sees the end of your story when you don’t. He knows how he can use the difficulty in your life.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.”

When I question him—and, if I’m being honest, I do it often—he always reminds me that he was in the same place he’s always been: right there with me.

God is not a puppeteer holding the strings to all humanity and causing every little thing to happen. He is not a control freak. While he is in control, he does not orchestrate every action of all people. We have our own wills, and most of us follow them according to our own desires. God doesn't cause the good or the bad, or prevent either one.

Years ago our pastor at the time said, "You're going to do what you want to do" and isn't that just the truth? People do what they want, and that includes driving stupidly, being hateful, abusing others, and worse. God is not powerless to stop it, but sometimes he allows it for purposes we don’t get to know. The wicked do what they do and that’s just part of living in a fallen world. Humanity lives in a world of its own making, and God lets us do that and reap the consequences. It’s not that God approves of it, but he CAN use it for our good and his glory. He can take the messes we make and do much with them.

Yet I still ask the questions: Where were you? Why did you allow this? I used to say this would be the first thing I asked him when I got to heaven, but the truth is I will be too busy worshipping at his feet. He is worthy.

For now, I trust that he knows me and can use whatever hardships I encounter to grow me into the person I should be. I'm watching him do it.

I always say I just want to be safe. But at the same time I remind myself that my definition of safety is probably (a lot) different from God’s.

My definition means I want everything to be perfect all the time. He says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” He is with me always. When I think about how much worse my head-on accident could have been, I know he was there protecting me.

My definition means I want nothing bad to ever happen. He says, “My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” He is right there in every hard circumstance, showering me with his strength when I feel weak.

My definition means I want to never feel alone. He says, "Fear thou not; for I am with thee." He is right there, no matter how horrible the event, walking through the valley of the shadow of death with me. There is a chorus that says,

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

He knows me. He takes my earthly circumstances and with them—even the parts I hate—writes my beautiful story. If I could, I would erase the hurtful parts of my life, but wouldn't we all? I would write my story the way I want it to read, with no hardship and no heartache and no hurt. I would live out my own definition of safe. But he knows what I need and I know I can trust him.

Safety is of the LORD.