Opposites

I’m pretty sure I’ve said a time or thousand that Ben and I are opposites. And when I say opposites, I don’t just mean that one of us is an early bird (as in 4 am, or lately, 2 or 3 am) and one of us is a night owl (who-hoo). I mean total, complete, 100%, in every possible way, opposites.

This is proven every single day in a million ways. It seems like we are always finding new things we have different opinions on. I throw the top comforter off. He takes my half and adds a wool blanket and a crocheted afghan, then lies there shivering and silently wishing for more covers. This just happened last night and I reminded him it was 70 degrees in the house.

I love my quiet. He listens to McLintock so loud I can hear the full dialogue between John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara from the other end of our 1700-square-foot house with the bedroom door closed and the heat running. This is also a true story that happened last night. When I came to the living room, he excitedly told me, “I found a free John Wayne movie!”

I answered at so high a volume my voice cracked, “REALLY? I HAD NO IDEA!” and we both doubled over laughing at how ridiculous our life is. But we love each other and we can laugh about it so it’s all good. It reminds me of the old song “If You Don’t Know Me by Now” by Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes. At this point none of our differences are newsworthy to us.

But our oppositeness is never more apparent than when something has to be assembled or fixed. It showed up one day a few years ago when we were the (sorry) owners of a new Samsung refrigerator with a touchscreen display on the front.

For a few days, there had been a red icon lit up on the touchscreen. Being a word person, I’ve never been good with icons so I’d been ignoring it. Until what? I have no idea. This is how enneagram nines deal with things that are uncomfortable. Live in denial until it becomes a crisis, then fall apart. Here’s what the little icon looked like, only without the very helpful word “Filter.”

So I found the manual that came with the refrigerator, and isn’t it great that it comes in three languages? Because the icons aren’t confusing enough. I’ve done enough work for a translation company to know this manual was not originally written in English. I don’t know what the source language was, but it was apparent the English version was generated via Google Translate and wasn’t much better than wordless icons.

I flipped through pages until I found the little picture that was, by this time, flashing red.

At this point, Ben entered the scene. He asked what I was doing and I said, “Figuring out how to change the water filter,” and I started reading the instructions.

Let me stop here and tell you he calls them “destructions.” That should make everything clear. Let the fun begin.

Me: (reading aloud) “Step 1. Shut off the water supply. . . Wait. What? You have to shut off the water supply to change the filter?”

Ben: “Where’s the filter?”

Me: (opening both doors and pointing) “Right here.”

Me: (reading with slightly more volume and at a somewhat higher pitch) “Turn the water filter about ¼ turn, counter-clockwise. Wait! Let me unpackage the new one so you can put it in quick in case water starts spewing out of there!”

Me: (Box and plastic wrapping being thrown quickly. Hand new filter to Ben. Back to reading, more rapidly now) “Pull the water filter from the case filter . . .”

Ben: (handing me the old filter) “Done.”

Me: (still reading because I’m no quitter) “To change the water filter more easily, shut off the water supply valve.”

Ben: “Ha! More easily! That means you don’t have to shut the water off!”

(Thank God for small things.)

Me: (trying to calm down) “Now I have to figure out how to get this icon to stop flashing.” (continuing to read—do you see a pattern?)

Ben: (tapping random buttons on the touchscreen)

Me: (hyperventilating) “STOP! How do you know what you’re doing?”

Ben: “There. It’s done.” (smiling)

(Both of us now laughing, me wanting to slap him)

Me: “How can you just stand there and push buttons? You have no idea what you’re doing! What if you permanently screw something up? I would NEVER do that!”

Ben: “And you’d be reading about it all week! It’s a refrigerator. How hard can it be?”

I am a rule follower. Ben figures it out. I read instructions. He says they’re for people who don’t know what they’re doing. I am not willing to take chances. He embraces risk.

Opposites.