Looking at the heart
Have you ever wondered why so many of the kings of Israel and Judah “did evil”? Even the ones whose fathers did right in the sight of the Lord?
Recently I read about Josiah (2 Kings 22) who was 8 years old when he became king. Can you imagine? He should have been playing with plastic dump trucks in the garden. But despite his tender age, he did “that which was right in the sight of the Lord.”
The current priest, Hilkiah, found the book of the law, and Shaphan the scribe read it to all the people. Then Josiah—remember, he was only 8 years old—did all the things: threw out the stuff that was made to worship other gods, got rid of idolatrous priests, burned down the places of idol worship, put away the wizards, broke down the high places. He totally cleaned the place out. He left nothing except what honored the One True God. He did all the right things. He obeyed all the rules.
And do you know what happened after he died?
Both of his sons did evil.
What on earth? What happened? Josiah did everything he knew to please God, following all the rules and doing all the righteous things, so why did his sons not follow in his righteous ways?
Because raising a God-honoring child is not about a list of rights and wrongs. It’s not “do this, don’t do that.” It’s not about taking them to church every time the doors are open, making sure they’re in Sunday school in a tucked-in collared shirt and making them read their Bible every day and say their prayers at night and share toys with their sister. Raising children who love God and serve him is not about what you do, it’s about who you are.
You can’t possibly be good enough. At some point your children will see the chinks in your armor. They will see your cracks, your failures, your shortcomings. Even Josiah had them, and they eventually showed up and were recorded in 2 Chronicles 35 for all eternity to learn from. Did his children see him repent and ask for forgiveness? That would have made an impression.
No, raising children who love God isn’t just teaching them what to do and not do. You absolutely should teach your children right from wrong, but if you neglect connecting with your children at the heart level, they will leave home and never look back. They will run away from your list of rules like it’s a cloud of the latest virus germs. They need to see you as more than just an authority; they need to see your humanity, your humility, the way you relate to God as a beloved child.
You need to make yourself attractive to them. You need to make your God attractive to them.
Show your children that God is not just a big meanie-head sitting on his throne waiting for them to mess up so he can pounce with judgment. Show them that he is gracious and full of tender mercy and love and kindness. You do this by being that yourself. You are God’s representation in your home. The way they see you—their father or mother—is the way they will see the Father. There is no escaping this reality. It is true every single time.
I wish I could say I did this well.
God created us in his image, and we—just like God—are made for connection. He does not intend for us to go through this life isolated from him or from each other. Children need this too.
Years ago a young mom I know was struggling with one particular child. After a brief rebuke and coaching on how he could have handled a situation better, he went back to his play.
The mom sighed and said, “I love him so much. It just doesn’t seem to help.”
A friend who had watched the interaction commented, “It’s not enough for you to love your child. HE has to KNOW he is loved. HE has to feel it. When HE knows you love him, that’s when connection happens.”
God connects with us at the heart level. As he told Samuel,
… man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.
This is as much a warning as a fact. God wants us to be aware that our tendency is to look at what we see on the outside, so much so that we miss what’s on the inside. God sees past the outward obedience and is interested in the state of our heart.
I heard a story once of a child who was standing up in the back seat of a car. His father told him to sit down, and the child did so reluctantly and said, “I’m sitting down on the outside but I’m standing up on the inside.”
Outward obedience does not equal a heart that wants to please the Father. God looks at the inside; so should we.
Children’s hearts need to feel loved and valued. They need to know they are wanted and treasured. They need to feel their presence matters to us, not because they do the right things, but just because they exist. They need to feel that their very being is of the highest value to us.
They need to feel their presence matters to us,
not because they do the right things,
but just because they exist.
Think about it: when you feel closer to God, when you go through your days knowing you are his child, loved and cherished and sung over, you are more likely to seek him and walk in his ways.
Children are no different.
Certainly we should teach them obedience to rules and the difference between right and wrong. But we need to spend much more time looking beyond those outward things and knowing the state of our children’s hearts. That is where connection happens.
I am not saying this is easy or that I did it well. I have a long mental list of my failures to love my children the way they needed to be loved.
I am only saying that I’ve learned a little bit about this at 61, and if I could go back and do my parenting life over, I would keep this knowledge front and center. Remind myself of it every day.
Man looks on the outward appearance: obedience.
God looks on the heart: true connection based on everlasting love, not performance.
Obedience is good. Heart connection is better.