How to see a red flag

I’ve recently had conversations with several young ladies about the process of figuring out who you should marry.

It seems like it would be pretty straightforward: decide who you’re attracted to, find out if you have anything in common, see if you like spending time together, and assess their good qualities vs. their bad. This seems obvious.

But maybe it’s not that simple.

That boy you like? He’s human. I know he seems perfect right now: good looking, smiling, treats you like a princess, has a good job . . . but I guarantee there are things you don’t see, and this is where the finding-a-spouse process gets sticky.

It’s easy to look at all his positive qualities and think, “Well of course I love all these great things about him! He’s wonderful!” These are the things that will make him easy to love and easy to live with.

But there are qualities you don’t see, and in your current state of infatuation, you won’t see them—not because you can’t, but because your brain doesn’t want to.

Perceptual bias

For years psychologists have studied a phenomenon known as “perceptual bias” in which your brain perceives what you want to be true. You want to believe he is honest, so you don’t consciously acknowledge his tendency to take a little extra because he “deserves” it. You want to believe he is kind-hearted, so you don’t consciously notice a derogatory comment about a friend. Your perceptual bias is why your parents and friends see the red flags but you don’t.

Knowing this about your brain, here is some advice for you who are looking for a spouse: pay attention to your body signals.

Susanne Stabile, author, speaker, and enneagram expert, says, “My head lies to me, and my heart lies to me, but my body never does.”

Your bodily sensations give you clues. You will probably feel the warm fuzzies if you’re in love, but you need to look past those. Your body will also provide indications of red flags that your brain does not see, and you need to pay attention to them.

When he makes an offhand comment that causes a tightness in your chest or your eyes to widen just a little? Pay attention. Ask yourself, “What was it he said and why did it bother me?” When he gets “frustrated” at some little thing that doesn’t go his way and your stomach feels a little nervous? Notice that feeling. When he gets annoyed at another driver and you feel some tension rise up in your shoulders and neck? That’s your body telling you Mr. Perfect isn’t perfect.

According to Bessel van der Kolk in his book The Body Keeps the Score, your feelings are stored in your body, not just in your brain. So when a red flag is waving, you can actually feel your emotional and intellectual reaction in your physical body. Have you ever been startled and you feel the rush of adrenaline down your arms and all the way to your fingertips? That is a physical feeling that is produced by something your brain perceives. Think about the last time you were embarrassed or in an argument. Where did you feel physical sensations? In your chest? Your throat? Did your face flush or your shoulders tighten up? These sensations are your body speaking to you. They have a message and you need to pay attention to it.

Your feelings are stored in your body, not just in your brain.

After I was hit head-on in 2018, every time I felt even a little bit unsafe, my right foot would twitch. It took a few years for me to figure out it was because in the accident, at the moment I felt the most unsafe I’ve ever felt in my life, my right foot was pushing on the brake pedal as hard as it could. I was literally standing on the brake. My right foot was actively trying to keep me safe. My body stored that physical reaction to the feeling of being unsafe and now the feeling and the corresponding physical reaction are forever connected in my brain. My foot moves without me even thinking about it. So now, when my foot twitches, I notice it and pay attention to what is making me feel unsafe.

Emotional regulation

We need to use our emotions as the tools God gave us to help us make wise decisions. (I bet you’ve never heard that before.) To do this, we need to learn the practice of emotional regulation.

Here’s how I do that:

First, NOTICE the physical sensation in your body: my chest feels tight or my face feels hot or my stomach is doing flips. I feel my body pushing back into the seat.

Second, NAME the emotion: I feel anxious or I feel unsafe or I feel uneasy.

Third, take a few SLOW, DEEP BREATHS, exhaling longer than you inhale. (Inhaling speeds up the heart rate; exhaling slows it down and calms your nervous system, so you want more exhale than inhale.)

Finally, do something that is CALMING: take a hot bath, go for a walk, sit in the sunshine.

Then—and please don’t skip this step—when you are feeling calm again, go back and revisit what you felt (the emotion) and ask why you felt that way (the thought). Remember, behind every emotion is a thought. What was the thought that caused an emotion that led to a physical reaction in your body?

That’s the red flag.

Now, assuming we’re still talking about finding a mate, ask yourself, “Can I live with this in a husband?” because it won’t change after you are married. You may get him to the altar but you won’t alter him.

Do you know why your vows say, “For better or for worse”? Because there is always a worse, and you need to be as aware of it as you can be before you decide to devote yourself to another person for the rest of your life.

Trust me when I say you will not find a perfect man. He will have flaws just as you have flaws. Your man won’t find you perfect either.

But it is wise to assess the upsides and the downsides and decide if you can live with them, raise children with them, and honor them as you will vow to before God.

Are you looking for a husband? Your emotions will have a lot to say, and your body will alert you to them. So put on your assessment hat and pay attention to what your body is telling you.