God speaks
I love to write funny blog posts. This is not one.
You all know I write. I've had a few articles published and have had a few blogs over the last 20+ years. A while back I unearthed my oldest blog, which by some technological miracle is still out there on the internets, and I copied a few of the posts just in case it ever goes the way of my last blog and disappears into the ether. I've included one of them below.
But first, the back story. A few years ago I joined an organization called Hope*Writers, which is basically a whole lot of writers at different stages of the game, and some people who know stuff to help them get to the next level. I enjoyed it, but felt like I just didn't have the time to devote to writing to make it worthwhile. So I un-joined. (Is that a word?)
Now that life has settled down a smidge (I jest), I'm ready to get back to it. The annual Hope*Writers conference is coming up in November, and I keep seeing ads to register for it. It is not cheap.
I've had this dilemma: is it worth what it costs? We are building a house. Running a farm. Hay is outrageously expensive. Diesel is ungodly. As Ben says, our checking account is a hemorrhage.
So I've done the Christian thing: I've prayed about it, and whichever way God leads, I'll go. Easy-peasy. I'm good either way (why yes, I am a 9 on the enneagram).
Yesterday I was complaining to Ben that I ask God about these things but I feel like I never get an answer. I really want to do the right thing, but hello? Are you there? (I'm not saying anything to you I haven't already said to God.)
Ben said, "Why don't you give it one more day, and if God doesn't clearly say no, then go ahead and register. It's just money." (God bless this man for his attitude about money. He just doesn't fret about it.)
So all day today I've been listening for God's big booming voice to say something profound, and not a peep.
But oh, that God. He does have a sense of humor. First, I saw this same message in two completely different places:
"Do it, friends. Start the business, or buy the homestead, or try the thing, or make the move. Stop waiting for permission. Be your own cheerleader." ~Jill Winger
Okay, but that could be a coincidence. But then I opened the Word document where I pasted those old blog posts (that I wrote 14 years ago—haha), and this one was at the top:
I just read over at Melanie Shankle's blog about the upcoming She Speaks Conference. Never having been to one before, I thought that sounded pretty interesting. So I read on. Now I am wondering if I should have stopped earlier. It sounds glorious. I've never wanted to be a public speaker, but I have felt compelled to write from time to time, and more the older I get. I am a grammar nut (just ask my kids), love to read good writing, and would love to have more time to practice it.
Here's my problem: I am Mom. Not just a mom, but Mom. Home-schooling Mom, to be exact. I have been Home-schooling Mom for 23 years, so long that it has become my title, my identity, WHO I am, and now I can't imagine that I can be anything else. But at the same time, I am faced with the cold, hard fact that in 3 1/2 very short years I will no longer be Home-schooling Mom. I have been fretting over the decision of what to BE when my last child graduates from high school. This is not just a question of what I will DO; it's what I will BE. Can you hear the mental anguish? Almost makes me want to have another baby just to postpone the agony. But not quite.
I'm scared—scared that I will pursue something I can't actually do. Afraid to try. Can you imagine? I've spent 23 years being the cheerleader of this family and now I'm afraid to try something myself. So, because I've always told my kids that failure to try is the only failure, I'm going out on a limb and applying for a scholarship to the She Speaks Conference. That's the only way I'll get there with three kids in college. So pat me on the back - I'm trying and I'm scared to death. (I did not get a scholarship and did not go to the conference.)
Then there was this comment:
Hi Karen, I just read your post and I just want to encourage you on your journey. Fear is good. It keeps us holding on to God's hand. Maybe God doesn't want you to be a famous author but if he's instilled a love of writing in you maybe your lot will be to write the best blog post you can and the right person will be helped. On the other hand you'll never know what he has in store unless you take that step of faith. You will not fail. Success may not come packaged the way you think, but you will not fail. Take the step and the courage will follow. Best Wishes, Luanne
Luanne, whoever you are, your comment from 2008 was exactly what I needed to hear in 2022.
Isn't God just the best?