Fret not thyself

and a mini lesson on reflexive pronouns

(Full disclosure: some of the content in this post comes from a lesson taught by my pastor, Jonathan Watson, of Bible Baptist Church in Appomattox, Virginia. This message is not included in the church’s media links, but others are if you’re interested.)

We are movers. In our 40 years of marriage we’ve moved almost 20 times, a few of them with the military, but most not. In all those moves we’ve been part of a lot of different churches.

When you live like this, you learn pretty quickly that churches have personalities and quirks, good and bad, things we remember fondly and some we’re glad to be away from. Obviously this is because churches are actually groups of people. When God talks about the “church,” he’s not talking about the building or the institution. He’s talking about the people who are born-again followers of Jesus, like the church at Ephesus and the church at Thessalonica. And although the members of the body (the church) are born again, they still come with a wide variety of personalities and preferences, so stuff is bound to come up. There are going to be things we disagree with or wish were different.

All that said, and meaning no ill toward any other body we have been part of, the one we are in now is my favorite. Maybe all that means is that it suits my preferences best, but I feel more at home here than I have ever felt in any other church. Just one of the reasons for that is our pastor. He is genuine and gracious, he is a serious student of the Word, and he doesn’t scream at me, which I appreciate. If you can’t make your point without yelling, sit down.

Last week he taught through Psalm 37, which was fun because I had just begun my own project of reading through the psalms and noting every verse that tells what God is to me. I’m only up to Psalm 41 and I already have four pages of notes. You should try it sometime.

Anyway, Psalm 37. When our pastor started, I wasn’t sure it would really apply to me because the first verse says,

Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity.

I couldn’t really think of any “evildoers” in my life, but as we walked through the following verses, I saw that the advice given by David was applicable in other areas as well. Maybe a person who is just hard to deal with—a boss or a relative—or a difficult situation.

But let’s stop and look at the first word, fret. Today we mostly think of fretting as worrying, hand-wringing, maybe being anxious. Jonathan (my pastor) gave the definition as “to heat oneself with vexation.” Of course I had to come home and look it up in the KJV Dictionary (since that’s the version I read). It gave the meaning of fret as “to wear away; to agitate violently; to irritate, vex, make angry.”

That puts a whole new light on this first verse, doesn’t it? And please notice that there’s a reflexive pronoun in there, thyself. That means don’t do it to yourself. Don’t get yourself all twisted and angry because of evildoers.

For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb.

Here on the farm, especially since we got the new zero-turn mower, grass either gets cut down every week or eaten in a day. Either way it doesn’t last long.

That’s great to know. Difficult people or situations won’t last long. They’ll be cut down. But as we all know, time frames are relative in the Bible. God’s version of “won’t last long” and mine may be significantly different. So what do I do in the meantime? How do I suffer (that’s a good old King James word) someone who is making life very unpleasant while I’m waiting for them to be cut down like the grass?

David (God, really) gives us five steps.

1 Trust God; do good.

Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.

It really is that simple, and as I’ve already learned (maybe the hard way), this is one of those “taking every thought captive” situations. What you need to know is that you cannot change a person. I don’t care how smart or persuasive you are. You can only change you. So do that. Don’t take the difficult matter into your own hands. That’s a recipe for disaster. Trust God.

And do good. Trusting God can feel kind of passive, which can be hard. I want something active to do, and here it is. He’s reiterated this concept a few other times:

Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. (Luke 6:28)

If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink; For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the LORD shall reward thee. (Proverbs 25:21–22)

So do good, and trust the Lord to work it all out in his way, in his time. God says if you do this, you’ll dwell in the land and you’ll be fed, and what more do you need? You don’t need to be in control.

2 Delight in the Lord

Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Has there ever been a more misused verse of scripture? It’s like a holy Let’s Make a Deal. I’ll do this, then you have to do that. But it doesn’t work that way, mostly because we screw up the first part before we even get to the semicolon.

Delighting in the Lord isn’t a list of things to do: read your Bible, pray, serve at the soup kitchen, tell the guy at the gas station about Jesus . . . It’s more of a mindset.

Think about someone you delight in, maybe a spouse or a child. What do you do? You spend time with them, you smile at them and tell them how wonderful you think they are, you listen attentively when they talk, you give them your time and effort, you adore them. Delighting in the Lord is not a checklist; it’s an all-the-time attitude of worship and thankfulness, not just for what you get out of the relationship, but because of who he is. He is worthy of our delight.

When you are truly delighting in him, the desires of your heart change. You want what he wants. You value what he values. You begin to think like he thinks. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 2:16, “But we [believers in Jesus] have the mind of Christ.” We want less revenge and more mercy. Less material stuff and more grace.

I’ll say it again: you can’t change a person; you can only change you. So start by delighting yourself in the Lord.

And don’t miss that reflexive pronoun again: delight thyself; do it to yourself.

3 Commit your way to him

Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

Once you start really delighting in the Lord, committing your way to him becomes easier because your whole thought process changes. You begin to see what is important and what’s not. You learn to trust him with difficult situations and people. You focus less on what’s wrong and more on what he is doing in you and through you and for you. Life becomes less about you and more about him, and that’s as it should be.

Again in this verse we are encouraged to trust him, and then we’re told that “he shall bring it to pass.” What will he bring to pass? I can’t say for certain, but I’m 99.9% positive it won’t be your great plan for getting back at the person (or situation) that is vexing you. Since by now you are trusting him and delighting in him and committing your way to him, surely you can let him do his perfect work, whatever that is, and be satisfied that he knows the best way to handle it.

4 Rest and wait

Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him; fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

I have trouble resting. So much trouble, in fact, that I chose rest as my word of the year for 2024 just to remind me to work at it. What was I thinking?

Rest is the exact opposite of fret. It’s a distinct lack of agitation, irritation, and anger. Have you ever tried to be mad and rest at the same time? You can’t do it.

When you are fretting, your amygdala is in control. That’s the part of the brain that deals with emotions and fear. It’s the seat of your fight-or-flight response. When your amygdala is activated, it interrupts all the signals coming into your brain and doesn’t let them pass through. They stop right there and can’t move on.

I was listening to a podcast today that was explaining a concept called the “amygdala hijack.” Essentially, here’s what happens: Someone cuts you off in traffic. Your eyes see what’s happening and electrical signals are sent to your brain, and there is a specific order in which those signals are dispersed in your brain. Before they go anywhere else, they go to the amygdala. Why wouldn’t they go to your prefrontal cortex so you could make a logical decision about what to do?

Because your brain’s #1 purpose is to keep you alive (it’s called the “survival brain”). So information gets sent to your fight/flight center first, so your brain can determine whether or not there’s a threat. If the amygdala determines there is a threat (a car has cut you off and you may crash into him), it remains in control and cuts off other parts of the brain, so the signal never even gets to the prefrontal cortex. It stops right there in the amygdala and gets “hijacked.” This is why, when I was about to be hit head-on, I could not look at the situation and think, “You know, he is skidding toward my right, so if I cut the wheel hard to the left, he might hit me in the side, but at least it won’t be head-on.” My amygdala was 100% in control and my prefrontal cortex was inaccessible in that moment. I could not make a rational decision if I wanted to.

When you are fretting, agitated, angry, vexed in spirit, your amygdala is in control and your prefrontal cortex is nowhere to be seen. That’s why you can’t rest. Your amygdala has hijacked your whole brain.

In order to rest, you must first trust the Lord, delight in him, and commit your way to him. Can you feel yourself getting calmer? Now you can make the decision to wait patiently for him.

5 Cease from anger

Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.

Here we are at the end of David’s five recommended steps for dealing with difficult people and situations, and once again, he is reminding us to stop being angry. Remember that amygdala and its tendency to hijack our thinking. He tells us to cease from anger so we can forsake wrath. Give it up. Walk away from it. Ignore it, tell it to scram, refuse to entertain it, slam the door in its face.

Fret not thyself—there’s that reflexive pronoun again. Don’t do it to yourself. Don’t stir yourself up, don’t keep dwelling on it and making yourself agitated. Don’t feed your anger by constantly thinking about who or what offended you. As many times as the thoughts pop into your mind, chase them out by reminding yourself of David’s five steps:

Trust the Lord and do good.
Delight yourself in the Lord.
Commit your way to him.
Rest in him and wait patiently.
Cease from anger and forsake wrath.

Do you get to know the outcome?

No. That’s part of trusting and resting and waiting, and if you’re anything like me, you need the practice.

But God does say in verse 10,

For yet a little while, and the wicked shall not be . . .

How long is a little while? That’s up to God, who has way more wisdom and understanding than we do.

We see the reward of all this in verse 11:

But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

That’s what I’m talking about—the abundance of peace. It will be worth it all to one day enjoy that, won’t it?