Five questions for reflection

I just listened to The Next Right Thing podcast #238 in which Emily P. Freeman offers 5 questions for reflection when we are celebrating a milestone.

The idea of milestones is interesting to me because while I am not a goal-oriented person (you could easily call me goal-averse), Ben is all about the goals and plans, so I have lived a goal-chasing life by virtue of a marriage certificate.

Because there must always be a goal before us, we have been in a chronic state of transition since we married 38 years ago. There is never a time when we are not moving from one goal to another (or 5) at the speed of light (except for building a house—that’s taking a sweet forever). Ben is what we call a “change ranger.” If it looks like this goal is not attainable, no worries! We’ll just change the plan and make a new goal!

He is famous for quoting this line from a movie none of us can remember:

“Adventure, Skyler! Adventure!”

He wakes up in the morning excited at the prospect of all he can cram into this new day. I wake up and wonder why there is light coming in the window.

On the rare occasion that life falls into somewhat of a routine, he comes up with some new idea to throw things off balance. I’ve heard people who grow up in chaotic homes do this because it is what feels normal to them. If life is calm they are uncomfortable and feel the need to “fix” it by stirring things up.

But back to the podcast. Emily’s questions are thought provoking and bear writing down so I can come back and ask them again in the future. And even though we are not celebrating a milestone (unless you count me turning 61 next week), I feel like they are worth pausing to reflect on.

1. What has changed?

Let’s just take the last 5 years so I don’t get overwhelmed. In that time we have sold our Asheville farm and moved it lock, stock, and cows to Nowheresville, Virginia, where we rent a church parsonage 18 miles from the farm. Ben has made a major job change. We have started an annual ministry project in Colorado with three other couples and every year a new group of young people. I was in a head-on car accident that resulted in the need for many different types of therapies. As a result, I’ve become way more acquainted with mental health topics than I ever wanted to be. We brought my 87-year-old mother-in-law to live with us, then after a year moved her to a nursing home back in New Jersey. We began building a house on the farm. (Please note this does not say we are having a house built.)

That’s a pretty overwhelming synopsis for this #enneagram9 who loves her quiet routine. Yet in spite of all the upheaval, I can see the good in each thing, even the ones that seem negative on the surface.

2. What has stayed the same?

We are still in love, still committed to each other, still following Jesus. And Jesus is still faithful as always, walking with us through the good and not-so-good of every day. He is the anchor that never fails. He is the one who holds us in his hands and we know we can trust when it looks like the sky is falling. I love that he is never-changing. Always the same. Ever close.

3. What am I learning?

I tell Ben all the time that if I had married someone just like me, I would never do anything. And if he had married someone just like him, he would have self-destructed years ago. I am being stretched and pushed beyond my comfort zone, and Ben is learning (finally) the need for rest. I am learning to look for the good, and for the possibilities, in all our crazy circumstances. He is learning to see the good in slowing down (just a little).

4. What were some pivotal moments?

In the last 5 years? The move from Asheville to Virginia. They say moving is one of the top stressors in life, and maybe it's because we've moved 18 times (that's the actual number of times we have moved), but it doesn't feel like such a huge stress to me. I think we've just gotten good at it.

The most life-changing moment in recent years was my accident, and not because I was physically hurt—I wasn't. After I was hit I took my seatbelt off (I remember noticing it did not retract) and pushed the car door open. I got out and ran behind the car and across the ditch and sat down in someone's front yard. My body was sore and stiff and I had a small burn on my thumb from the airbag, but that was the extent of my physical injuries. I am very thankful to God and Honda.

But that day sent us down a 4-year path of learning about trauma and its effects. I've written about different aspects of it here and here and here and here and here, and will continue to do that from time to time. I have been fascinate by how many professionals are ignorant of what to look for in a traumatized individual. But I'm at the point where I don't want "mental health" to be my whole life. I want to use my story to help educate and support others, but I don't want to be the person who can't talk about anything else. There is more to life than what's happened to me. There is much more ahead.

And yet my story will not change. It won't go away. I will never not deal with the effects of trauma. Do I think I'm broken? No, but I am different, and at 60 I am having to learn how to "be" a new way.

Yes, the accident was pivotal.

5. What do you hope for the future?

I hope to be able to drive down the road without feeling like someone is going to pull out in front of me. I hope to be able to comfortably be a passenger. I hope to be able to one day live in my house in the very quiet little farming town of Pamplin where I am currently sitting on the front deck looking out over the pasture. All I hear at this moment are a few birds and an occasional cow snort. It is pure bliss.

I want to bake cookies with my grandchildren and watch them play on the hay bales. I love having the freedom to go visit my children and grandchildren who don't live near me, and I want to do more of it. I love having fun, but I love coming back to my peaceful home too.

I want to escape the noise of constant electronic input and stare off into space and let my mind rest. I want to leave my phone inside and sit on the porch and watch cows graze and read a book or write a blog post. Or, who knows, maybe write a book. (Did I say that out loud?)

I love Emily's podcast (The Next Right Thing) because I’ve always felt drawn to her mission of helping people find room for their soul to breathe. In this crazy life, we need more of that. I especially enjoyed that these questions made me stop being so busy, and reflect. We can learn so much about ourselves when we turn off the input for a moment and just quietly sit with what's inside us.