At 4 pm yesterday I said right out loud, “I quit.”
I’d been fiddling with two different post drafts for days and could not make either of them work. This was exactly 48 hours after I talked about words flowing with a large group of writers. Pride goeth before destruction and all that.
This is a writer’s nightmare: the inability to get words out of your head and onto a screen. And immediately it showed up: imposter syndrome. You know how it sounds, that ugly, condescending voice in your head:
“What do you even think you’re doing?”
“Writers write, and that’s obviously not happening so …”
“You call yourself a writer and you can’t even get a thousand words on the page?”
“Who do you think you’re helping when you can’t even help yourself?”
In my brain, the imposter voice is almost always joined by the perfectionist voice. That’s the one that says, “You can’t publish that—it’s not your best.”
Can you imagine trying to live up to that standard, where every output has to be better than the one before it? Where’s the end? The pressure is astounding.
The truth is, as my wise husband so gently and kindly reminded me today, writing is hard. It’s work. If it were easy, everybody would be doing it.
I agreed with everything he said, but still my self-imposed Tuesday-and-Friday schedule was hanging over me like a dark cloud I couldn’t get away from.
So I made dinner, then put Hank in the car and we went for a walk behind the Surrender Grounds. It was one of those “get all the frustration out” walks that included some half-running because no one was out there to QA my form or my pace (or lack of it) or tell me I was going to hurt my neck. Hank and I usually walk at around a 21 or 22 minute/mile pace. Today was 17 and I wanted to go quicker but didn’t want to hurt myself. #oldpeopleproblems
No matter what our speed is, Hank goes faster, and I don’t think it’s because he wants to run so much as he wants to be in the lead. If dogs had enneagram numbers, Hank would be a solid 8. Always out front leading the way, being in charge, except every so often he stops and looks back at me to make sure it’s all good. Or maybe he wants me to hurry up, I don’t know.
Anyway, we walked, then we went to Walmart. It was Hank’s first trip to the American icon of consumerism, and he is now their top fan. Apparently there are more smells than products.
While we were waiting in the checkout line, Hank was trying to run circles around me but was prevented by the half a foot of leash I gave him. Of course people were ooo-ing and ahh-ing over the cute little dog. Then an older gentleman walked right up to me and said, smiling, “Tell me how much I owe you for taking care of my dog!” and I think he was only half kidding. He bent over and Hank immediately took to him (as he does to everyone who’s not a squirrel or another dog) and they were best buddies.
I thought about telling the guy how much I paid for this wiggling mass of attitude, but I was afraid he would offer it and I would have to hand Hank over. People pay ridiculous sums for animals. Ask me how I know this.
I used to act shocked when Ben would tell me how much he was paying for a steer or a cow. Then I found Hank and had to have him. I knew his price was high, but aren’t all purebred puppies from reputable breeders? I happily forked over a huge sum for the little 3-pound fluffball of cuteness.
Then one day I made a comment about how much our new bull cost, and Ben said, “At least he wasn’t $500 a pound!” and that put it all into perspective.
So what’s the moral of the story here?
Don’t quit. Keep showing up. Every day may not be your best but if you don’t try, your chances are 0%. Tell the imposter voice and the perfectionist voice to zip it. Say it with me: done is better than perfect. Believe that your people want to hear from you.
I recently listened to episode 267 of The Next Right Thing podcast by Emily P. Freeman. She made this statement that I have not been able to forget:
“Mostly we need you . . . showing up to your life as it is and not as you wish it to be . . .”
and it was exactly the reminder I needed today. I hope it helps you too.
Thank you ❤️