Desperado
Remember the old Eagles’ song?
Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
I am singing it to myself today.
Chronic conditions will make you do things you never thought you would do. (Raising my hand.)
I have neck pain.
I thought it started after my last car accident in which I was hit head-on, but maybe it’s from the one before that where I was rear-ended hard enough to give me a concussion and the driver (of the orange Honda Element) jumped onto I-26 in Asheville to get away and left me holding my phone trying to figure out how to make a call. I was so confused. I kept looking at my text messages wondering where the little phone icon was.
Or it could have been the one where I was side-swiped in the rear quarter panel and the guy cut across the median of I-95 in Northern Virginia and took off in the opposite direction. When I say I am an idiot magnet, I am not making it up.
It could also have been from the chiropractor way back in the 1990s who “adjusted” my neck so hard I couldn’t breath for a minute and it seriously scared me.
But after the last accident, I blamed every bad thing in life on that, including the neck pain. It was an easy scapegoat and I don’t sit around keeping journals of where I have pain and how bad it is. (That was a learned behavior.) I had X-rays that showed my neck had no curve like it’s supposed to, followed by months of chiropractic care (including electro-stimulation of the knotted muscles) with a much better practitioner. When the pain just wouldn’t quit, he suggested massage. So I had weekly massages for months, where various methods were used to try to alleviate my suffering—electrical gadgets and rolling machines and cupping and I can’t remember what else.
We even tried some remedies on our own: namely, ice massage, which, if you’re up for a good time, freeze water in a styrofoam cup, then peel the top edge off so the person torturing you can hold on to the foam while rubbing the tight muscle with ice for three solid minutes until it is completely numb. Be sure to savor the cold water that melts off the ice and runs down your body. That’s particularly enjoyable.
Somewhere in there we also gave biofeedback a whirl, which did not help at all. Then we moved to Virginia.
Just in the last year I have tried chiropractic again, dry needling, CBD cream, acupuncture, and five different massage therapists looking for one who could truly do deep tissue massage. I finally found one and wrote about him here. He has given me some relief, but unfortunately, it doesn’t last. The knots just keep coming back. They like where they live and they’re not in a rush to leave.
Desperation abounds up in here.
Then my daughter told me about CFT: craniosacral fascial therapy, also called craniosacral fascial release. She mentioned that it was the most woo-woo thing she had ever done, and that is saying a lot coming from this very crunchy family. We are the ones who put raw garlic poultices on our feet when we’re sick and try to cure all ills with digestive enzymes and coffee enemas (please don’t ask).
So of course I had to start researching this CFT thing, and I’ll try to explain it from my extremely limited understanding (it’s hard to understand something this “out there”).
In craniosacral therapy, the practitioner puts her hands on your head lightly to feel the rhythmic movements of your skull’s bones. This gives her an idea of where the skull bones are stuck, and she gently manipulates the bones, thereby relieving compression, and therefore pain.
In craniosacral fascial therapy, the practitioner is facilitating the release of “stuck” or “tight” fascia, which is this web of tissue that is throughout your body. The theory is that trauma, whether physical or emotional, causes tightening of this web that then won’t let go, and the results are widely varied forms of pain and physical immobility, and even cognitive function. The list of issues CFT has been known to help with is pretty incredible: IBS, migraines, colic, ADHD, allergies, depression and anxiety, and more.
Sign me up.
I did not realize just how woo-woo this was until I went for my first appointment. My practitioner (I’ll call her D) had me lie down on a massage table (fully clothed) and gently placed both hands on my head. There was no pressure or movement. She just stood there for at least a solid minute. That’s when she announced my “brain cycle” was 24. Apparently that’s the rate of expansion and contraction of my skull. Who knew? Also, they like that number to be in the 300s, so clearly we have some work to do. At the end of our first session it was up to 64, so yay me!
Today I went for my second appointment. She did some of the same things, and also added in lightly placing her hands on my shoulders, feet, and spine. I still have pain, often more pain right after a treatment (which I’m told is normal), but my brain cycle is now up to 80, so that sounds like I’m making progress. Am I making progress?
She uses phrases like “working on” this spot or that spot, but what is she actually doing? She says she can feel where there’s tension, like it’s pulling on her hands, so she holds her hands there and it releases? I think? I promise this is a real thing and many thousands of people swear it is not snake oil. Can you tell I am desperate?
I am so clueless as to what is going on, but every once in a while D says something that gives me a tiny hint. Today she mentioned something about a higher brain cycle allowing cerebrospinal fluid to flow more easily. Is this what we’re working toward? I have no idea. Somebody send help.
But before I go, let’s just all laugh at the first line of verse 2:
Desperado, whoa you ain’t getting no younger …