Titus 2 teaches us that the aged women are to teach the younger women eight things. You can read about them here. It is hard for me to fathom how I can already be considered an “aged” woman, but here we are. And since the eight things are spelled out in Paul’s letter to Titus, I won’t belabor the point Paul has already made. Instead, I will address one that hasn’t been made yet.
A few weeks ago we were at an event where very conservative Christian families come together so their young people can meet likeminded young people in the hope of increasing their chances of finding a suitable spouse. Yes, that was the original idea behind these gatherings, and not really a bad one. We know several couples who met through these shindigs and they are very happily married. As you can imagine though, there is a good bit of awkwardness involved when a bunch of homeschooled young adults gather.
At this particular camp in Pennsylvania, Ben and I have been in charge of the singles social the last couple of years. We plan a few games and Ben gives a short message and it’s a good time. Our goal is to take the awkwardness out of meeting people of the opposite sex. This year we did that by handing out cards with different animals on them, then each person had to find his or her “mate” before they could get on the ark. But there was no talking allowed. They could only make the sounds of their animal to find a mate. Hilarity ensued with mooing and snorting and growling and cheeping and cawing, and alas, some were caught in the flood. But only slight wetness was involved. I promise it was fun.
There were afternoon games, a volleyball tournament, a holey canoe race across the lake and back, and sessions that include singing and preaching/teaching. And fabulous food, thanks to the Miller family. It’s a great week away from the stresses of life.
One of the most profound things I heard this year came from one of the speakers, pastor and farmer Richard Swartzentruber, and, while it was completely unrelated to guys and girls and socializing, it struck me in a way I’m sure he did not intend. He said,
In other words, before you get into a situation, look at who your authority will be and decide whether or not you want to be “under” them. If you don’t, go a different direction. Where you place yourself is for you to decide.
And as these things do, that got me thinking.
In this particular Christian culture, the public teaching is done exclusively by men, unless there is a ladies’ session, which is where a lady teaches other ladies. This event did not have one of those.
But from the men, there was plenty of encouragement for the young people to get to know each other as friends first, the others don’t bite, you have to meet a girl before you can marry her, all that. And there was some encouragement to the young ladies to learn all the skills needed to be a “good wife.” This is typical.
Then I started thinking about how the famous Proverbs 31 passage, though it is written to men, is used as the blueprint for what the ladies should be and what the men should look for in a wife. It begins,
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies . . . (Prov. 31:10)
This passage begins by suggesting the men “find” a virtuous woman. It goes on to describe her attributes in detail, and isn’t that so helpful for the guys? A ready-made checklist for their wife-hunt.
Elsewhere in Proverbs (18:22) it says:
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.
But there is no corresponding passage written to the ladies. God doesn’t say a woman who finds a good man will obtain his favor. And there is no checklist regarding what a “good husband” should look like, at least not one with this much detail.
So what is a girl to do? How does she know what to look for and what to beware of in a young man? How does she choose? Because after all, it is not just the guy doing the choosing. It’s not like a female lineup where the men go down the row and take the one they want.
If the young lady will live under God’s command to “submit herself unto her own husband,” she’d better know a good bit about the man under whose “authority” she’s going to place herself. Remember that statement: “Don’t place yourself under bad authority,” and the girl is the one who must choose under whose authority to place herself. It is 100% her choice.
So I started thinking. How do we teach a young lady how to choose a husband? Our advice always seems to be what she should do to or with herself to make herself more “pickable.” I told a small group of girls one afternoon to not sit around waiting to be picked like so many flowers. To get out there and live life. To figure out what they like and dislike, to form opinions and practice sharing them, to have experiences on a worldwide level. Ben told the girls in a later meeting to go out and conquer.
But how do you choose a husband? No one ever said anything to me about this. My parents, as much as I loved them, never uttered a peep to me about what I should look for or avoid. Why not? Why don’t we teach our young adults HOW TO CHOOSE A SPOUSE? As my own wise daughter said,
It is of monumental importance. (Note: Parent, it is not your job to choose your child’s spouse. God never tells you to do that. But it IS your job to teach your child how to make this enormously crucial decision.)
There are a few short passages that warn us about red flags. 1 Corinthians 5:11 says,
But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.
Those are pretty obvious, but what about the less-obvious things? The traits that may not be so clear? Since the guys have the Proverbs 31 list to refer to, I thought maybe we could make a short list for the girls. Traits to watch for and questions to ask and topics to discuss. These are things that should be addressed by the girl and her prospective husband candidate. Ladies, you’ll have to get over the awkwardness of some of these, and you’ll have to stop making yourself small to have these discussions. Take the bull by the horns and do your own research. Study the man you are considering. Remember, you want to know the person under whose authority you will be placing yourself.
Look for the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance). Is he loving, not just to his girlfriend, but to others? Is he gentle? Is he peaceful or looking for a fight all the time? Is he patient? Is he faithful in small things? Is he longsuffering? Does he exercise self-control (temperance)? And as always, it’s not how he treats his girlfriend whom he’s trying to impress. Who is he not trying to impress? How does he show the fruit of the Spirit to those people? The fruit of the Spirit = character. And remember, the fruit of the Spirit is ONE fruit in nine forms. He will not be perfect, but you should be able to see some fruit.
Does he read his Bible and pray on his own? How do you know? Does he have a physical Bible? I’m sorry to all the modernists out there, but the Bible app on your phone doesn’t count. Can you have a doctrinal discussion with him, and do you agree on the major points? You should both know what the major points are.
Ask him “What is your history with pornography?” and then let him talk. Don’t ask “Have you ever looked at porn?” It’s way too easy to lie to a yes/no question. You will need to use discernment to know whether or not he is being truthful, and porn users will for sure lie about it.
What is his financial life like? Is he a spender or a saver? Does he have credit card debt? What is his plan for owning a home? Providing a washer and dryer and refrigerator? What are his ideas on retirement? Does he expect you to have a job?
Ask him about his views on having children. Large or small family? How would he like them to be educated? What would their medical care look like? Ask about his ideas on parenting.
Ask what conflict was like in his home growing up. Were there shouting matches, slamming, and throwing things? Did people walk out to avoid the conversation? Or were disagreements resolved in a rational (even a heated rational) manner? Ask him how he deals with conflict now. Emotional maturity is of great importance.
Is he willing to receive correction? Does he admit when he is wrong and change accordingly? Does he apologize when he has offended or hurt someone?
Ask about his sexual history. If he is not a virgin, he should get tested for STDs.
Does he honor his mother, even if she’s “difficult”? How does he treat other women? His view of women will be his view of you.
If your man will not have these honest conversations with you, young lady, run away right now.
I’m sure we could add a lot to this list, but it gives you a good start. Remember, this is not India where arranged marriages prevail (although we’ve seen several of those and they’ve worked out well—it’s all about the commitment). You, young lady, get to choose who you marry. There is wisdom in asking the advice of trusted friends and elders, and “in multitude of counsellors there is safety” (Prov. 24:6), but ultimately you make the choice.
Choose wisely.
Special thanks to my daughters Abbey, Leah, and Deborah for their input on this critical topic.
This is so awesome, Karen...wish I'd had it as a young Lady..thank you for it.