A pet peeve

and a little history

I’ve been to quite a few weddings in my life, and I’ve learned to observe them a little more closely since one of my daughters is a wedding photographer. Sometimes I am amazed at the things I see that people apparently don’t know. I was not raised by high-class snobs, but somehow I figured out the basics.

Weddings have changed a lot since I was a teen dreaming of my own. For one thing, they’re a lot more personalized. There used to be one order of service, and that was it. Insert your names and repeat after me. Nowadays almost anything goes, including dogs in the ceremony and the entire guest list watching the proceedings through the lenses of their cell phones.

But here’s one thing that hasn’t changed: the way a lady takes a man’s arm. This happens to be a pet peeve of mine, and whenever my husband officiates a wedding, I make sure all the ladies know how this is done properly. Do I sound old? Guilty.

First, a little history. A century or two ago, when a man had to escort a lady somewhere, he offered his arm so she could steady herself with it. In other words, holding on to him helped her not trip and fall. But did you know he (almost) always offered his left arm? That was so, in case he had to defend her, his right hand would be free to grab his sword, which was carried on his left side. Reverse all this if he was left-handed, but since most men were right-handed, offering the left arm became the general rule. Today it makes sense for a man to offer his non-dominant arm so he has his dominant hand free to help her should it be needed, or shake hands with someone they meet. Or draw his sword if he’s that type.

When cars and sidewalks became a thing, etiquette changed to the man walking on the street side of the sidewalk so the lady wouldn’t be hit or splashed by passing vehicles. This is still the rule. Did you know that? My husband always switches places with me if I wind up on the outside of the sidewalk.

So how exactly does the whole taking-an-arm thing work?

First, the gentleman offers his arm by bending it, holding his hand near his waist or chest so his arm forms a triangle. A gentleman never grabs a woman’s arm unless she is mid-fall and he is catching her.

Then the lady places her hand in the crook of his elbow or just above. There’s no need to grip it tightly; just resting her hand there is enough. There should be a space between them; this is not a full-body sport. Allowances are made for married couples because I am old but not dead.

Further, for the love of all things proper, she should not link elbows with him. We are not playing Red Rover. We are not on the playground. His arm, her hand. That’s it.

Yesterday I was scrolling the Insta in my cold-induced stupor when I saw this photo:

This (may the Lord have mercy) is never appropriate. What on earth is even going on here? Are her flowers so heavy she needs two hands to carry them? Is he ready to punch anyone who objects? Is she stronger and steadier than he? Who is escorting whom? Someone please help me understand this.

It is so wrong and I am stunned that no one caught this before they walked down the aisle. Where was the wedding planner? Or at least the officiant’s wife?

This

is what it should look like. Why, yes, that is my son and his beautiful bride, he offering his arm and she taking it while showing off her ring. This is classic and lovely.

She does not offer her arm for him to hold. They do not link elbows like football players.

His arm; her hand.

Now you know.